there are actual parts of the day when i forget to miss you.
the sharp and thrusting pain has dulled into something worse...a constant ache that is manageable, but never gone completely.
i'm moving forward...i guess. i go out with friends. i eat meals. i can even listen to some music. i sleep through the night for the most part.
but sometimes the effort of moving forward throws me back.
i flirt with other men...but that feels futile and i don't really put much effort into it. i even slept with another man. the sex was fine, but it made me miss you too much, and i kicked him out of my las vegas hotel room less than five minutes after he finished. i think he was upset.
it all makes me feel more than a little dead inside.
i stumbled across some old emails from when we first started dating...i wonder what happened to that couple? the couple who said things like "you quiet my soul" and "you have a beautiful spirit" and "i don't expect anything. i just want you." they were good together.
it's funny that, even now, it's the same for me. i just want you.
i yelled at you last week. for the first time ever. even when we were together, we never yelled. last week i fully embraced my rage, and the idea that i don't have to sugar coat jack-shit for you anymore. it felt great. i raged at you for about an hour, then we settled back into our usual habit of easy talking and laughing.
we diffuse each other.
you quieted my soul right up until the end. now it's all about when you're going to come collect your things, making sure i get everything of mine from your place, going on trips without each other and wishing you would wake up, grow up, get a clue, anything to shake you back into realizing that this is an exercise is futility.
you have gone on 3 trips without me since it happened. 3 trips that i tried to get you to go on with me for over a year.
we celebrated halloween apart.
we will celebrate thanksgiving apart. christmas. new year's. then our birthdays.
next week i go on another business trip. and next week, another business trip will end with me coming home to an empty apartment.
baby. i still just want you. it's just that simple. and just that complicated.