Tuesday, December 30, 2008

i'm freaking ready...

bring it on, 2009.
I'm ready for a new year and a new slate.
I'm ready for new adventures and change.
I'm ready to travel entirely by myself for the first time in my life, on MY terms and on MY schedule.
I'm ready to go back to school and make a career change that will pull me out of the current "single-serving" Fight Club (before all the fighting started)-esque existence.
I'm ready to take my life back.
I'm ready to move forward.
I'm ready for our new President to take office.
I'm ready to rebuild my savings account (and I'm even ready to start the whole student loan process again)
I'm ready to use the cute tips I found online to redecorate my apartment using construction paper (!!??)
I'm ready to stop missing him and I'm ready to stop counting days/weeks/months since I last felt "ok". The truth is that I hadn't felt "ok" for a while.
I'm ready to stand up for myself, to stand on my own, and to stop feeling pulled in every direction but the direction I want to go in.
I'm ready to stop being jealous of other people's lives, and start living my own.
I'm ready to make changes that will get me out of LA...and lead me to the next adventure...

2009 is going to be amazing.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

soundtrack...saturday evening edition

1) single ladies (put a ring on it)...beyonce
2) lover, you should have come over...jeff buckley
3) rehab...rihanna
4) liked you better before...little jackie
5) no surprises...radiohead
6) back to black...amy winehouse
7) american boy...estelle (featuring kanye west)
8) about a girl...the academy is...
9) i don't blame you...cat power
10) new shoes...paolo nutini
11) say you miss me...wilco
12) lonely...yeal naim
13) a gentleman caller...cursive
14) on the radio...regina spektor
15) wisemen...james blunt

Thursday, December 18, 2008

on keys and the holidays...

there is a key sitting on my front desk.

this key is not on a key ring anymore. it doesn't clink and slap against other keys, those which were used far more often in the past 3 months than this single, lone key.

it is just a key.

but this key was more for me. it was a symbol. it signified more than a key probably should. a key is just hard metal, bent and pressed and shaped to fit the lock on my door, with a band of teal plastic to distinguish from the other keys it used to hang out with. and now, it is alone, sitting on my front desk and waiting for a purpose again, waiting for meaning.

my initial thought was to immediately pass it off to a girlfriend, someone who lives close and could check in on my apartment while i travel, someone who should have a key "just in case." someone who won't use it to surprise me when i come home from business trips. someone who won't use it to enter after a day at work, holding flowers, or some other surprise they've brought to dinner.

but i can't. it meant so much for me to give him that key. it was access. to me and my life. which was something that i resisted giving to anyone for so long.

that key can't NOT have meaning. it would be a waste.

so i'll leave it on my front desk for now...until i'm ready to let him go.

there are very few things as heartbreaking as watching someone you love walk away from you. walk away from the life you had together, carrying the remnants of that life in his hands.

but that's what i did.  i watched him walk away with all that was left of his physical presence in my apartment.  he is officially gone, gone, gone.  and he left the key behind.

and now it is christmas.  it is christmas, and i have a key and memories of the holidays past, when love was fresh on our tongues, families were met, presents exchanged, and a christmas dinner was prepared by a jewish girl from los angeles for a family in utah.

it is the most gut-wrenchingly painful holiday season of my life, with these memories of what was, and thoughts of what i believe should be.

but i am launching myself forward as hard as i can.

i have been filling my time with friends.  they are my holiday gift from the universe, these friends of my very own, and we share stories, drink coffee, drink liquor, laugh at each other as we dress up in silly outfits for theme parties, put on our favorite outfits and make fools of ourselves at karaoke, show up in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday to drink vodka and cry together, watch ridiculous movies...and generally love each other.

maybe he won't come back.

and maybe...maybe it will be ok.