that key can't NOT have meaning. it would be a waste.
so i'll leave it on my front desk for now...until i'm ready to let him go.
there are very few things as heartbreaking as watching someone you love walk away from you. walk away from the life you had together, carrying the remnants of that life in his hands.
but that's what i did. i watched him walk away with all that was left of his physical presence in my apartment. he is officially gone, gone, gone. and he left the key behind.
and now it is christmas. it is christmas, and i have a key and memories of the holidays past, when love was fresh on our tongues, families were met, presents exchanged, and a christmas dinner was prepared by a jewish girl from los angeles for a family in utah.
it is the most gut-wrenchingly painful holiday season of my life, with these memories of what was, and thoughts of what i believe should be.
but i am launching myself forward as hard as i can.
i have been filling my time with friends. they are my holiday gift from the universe, these friends of my very own, and we share stories, drink coffee, drink liquor, laugh at each other as we dress up in silly outfits for theme parties, put on our favorite outfits and make fools of ourselves at karaoke, show up in the middle of the afternoon on a weekday to drink vodka and cry together, watch ridiculous movies...and generally love each other.
maybe he won't come back.
and maybe...maybe it will be ok.