on Springtime...

the weather is starting to warm up here in the Southland. it hasn't reached "opressively hot" status yet (although, i'm sure by mid-April it will), but Spring is definitely in the frikkin' air...

i blame the crisp, fresh sunshine, the gentle breeze, and the birds for what i've decided is my "seasonal ADD"...i have been completely UNABLE to focus on ANYTHING for the past week.

i feel like a forest creature from "Bambi"...Springtime has me twitterpated.

a bundle of distracted energy, all i want to do is drink margaritas and run around in my underpants. and slap some boys around a little.

dammit, Springtime, why are you my favorite season? if you get me fired (i.e. i get myself fired for being unable to focus on actual work because i am daydreaming about espadrilles, sun dresses, and shirtless men) i am going to be so mad at you.

allowance...

i'll start by getting up each day and taking a shower. i'll put on my clothes and makeup and go to work. or to get my hair done. or to have coffee with a friend.

i'll put my shoes on. i'll keep breathing. i will set small goals everyday.

i will begin to mark the passage of time not by how long it's been since i've seen him (5 days). or how long it's been since i could call myself his girlfriend (12 days).

i will reconnect with friends and community.

i cannot promise that i will not cry every night. i cannot promise that i will not wish every day for him to come back. i cannot know when i will be ready to give him his stuff back, to really know that he is gone.

i can only try. and i can only take it one day at a time.

the pain might lessen. but for now, i will allow myself the time it takes to feel the pain.

in the past, i have always pushed past the pain, put my shoulders back, my chin up and said "what's next?" and what's next has been a new job, or more jobs, or a new town. but i cannot push past this. this is entirely new in and of itself. i cannot ignore that i am mourning, and i cannot be embarassed that i hurt so much that sometimes i think my legs will give out.

i cannot ask the "why" of him. why doesn't he come home? why does the love go away? why does everyone leave? why couldn't he be happy with me?

i am allowing myself to be sad. for the first time.