allowance...

i'll start by getting up each day and taking a shower. i'll put on my clothes and makeup and go to work. or to get my hair done. or to have coffee with a friend.

i'll put my shoes on. i'll keep breathing. i will set small goals everyday.

i will begin to mark the passage of time not by how long it's been since i've seen him (5 days). or how long it's been since i could call myself his girlfriend (12 days).

i will reconnect with friends and community.

i cannot promise that i will not cry every night. i cannot promise that i will not wish every day for him to come back. i cannot know when i will be ready to give him his stuff back, to really know that he is gone.

i can only try. and i can only take it one day at a time.

the pain might lessen. but for now, i will allow myself the time it takes to feel the pain.

in the past, i have always pushed past the pain, put my shoulders back, my chin up and said "what's next?" and what's next has been a new job, or more jobs, or a new town. but i cannot push past this. this is entirely new in and of itself. i cannot ignore that i am mourning, and i cannot be embarassed that i hurt so much that sometimes i think my legs will give out.

i cannot ask the "why" of him. why doesn't he come home? why does the love go away? why does everyone leave? why couldn't he be happy with me?

i am allowing myself to be sad. for the first time.