Wednesday, October 22, 2008

the war...

i cannot drag myself up from my melancholy.
i cannot peel myself off the floor.
interacting with others hurts my eyes
i feel like i have to squint to see straight.
i want to curl up into myself
and at the same time make myself large enough
to destroy entire cities (picture a sobbing godzilla).

i want to be quiet
but i want to rage.
i don't want to be touched
but i want to fuck
total strangers
who don't know me.
know nothing about me.
(no, i don't give a shit about your dog.)
fuck them wildly and then politely
excuse myself from their presence.
so i can go back to being small and quiet.

i don't want them in my house
or my town.
i want them to make me forget
just for one moment that we were happy
and great
for awhile.
and that once
for once
i wanted for nothing.

i want to throw things and break
windows (and your face)
and hurt everyone.
and i want to stay in this corner with
my chin on my knees
where no one can see or touch

i want to be invisible so i can scream and
no one will know it's me.
i want to disappear into nothing
and forget and that i loved.
that i ever knew what love is.

i want to remove you from the fabric
of my soul
so i will weave over
that fabric.
with meaningless people whose names
i will forget on purpose.
with the regrettable follies of youth
that i never wanted.
with myself - closing myself

it's not there.
but it always is.
i want to hate you forever
but i want you even more.
i don't believe this is something i will
recover from.

i fucking hate you.
why won't you just come home?

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