a month since we said good-bye.
i'm making my own plans now. i have gotten through at least 4 non-consecutive days without losing my shit. i am eating (small) meals.
i am not "ok". "ok" is not the right word. neither is "better". it's a long way to "better". there are things i cannot do and places i cannot go because they pull me down into your memory and swirl around my eyes and then...
it feels like i am trying to put my bones back into my skin. it's stretching me in ways i never thought i could go. it feels foreign.
all of this love that i had building up inside me, all of these feelings and expectations and hopes that i never wanted and never thought i would have...it all came flooding to the surface with you. and now it is gone, and i all i can think about is what i had, and what i lost.
the capacity for love...i didn't think i had that. you proved me wrong. you brought me to life, to my full self. i thought i was pretty full before...but this was above and beyond what i believed i was capable of.
i thank you for that.
i am folding into myself right now. feeling very protective of myself and my process. i don't want to share it with anyone. i don't want to talk to anyone about it (except for my brand-new therapist...woohoo!) i want to sit with it, like a new food or a good wine, this strange new feeling and experience, roll it over my tongue, savor the bitter-sweet-chocolate-burnt-coffee-raspberry-rotten milk taste, occasionally test it, poke at it with things like good music and old movies...pick at the scab, if you will, to see if it still hurts.
for some reason, it surprises me every time.
i'm not rushing out of this. i cannot stop waiting for you to come home. i haven't stopped expecting you to be at my apartment when i get home. at the same time, i know that i cannot continue as i have...taking personal days, never leaving my apartment, sitting in solitude and silence...
i released you. i had to in order to live. but i miss you every day. the thought of having to miss you every day for the rest of my life overwhelms me. i miss you.